So, it’s the beginning of September. I finished my last exam a little over three month ago and I’m still “not doing anything”. To be honest, it’s beginning to get to me even though I chose this. I’m getting restless and I’m struggling with the lack of direction in my life. It’s probably not helping that the Mister has recently thrown his plans to the winds as well, so we are both home most days, struggling with finding our way. I keep thinking that this was all a huge mistake and I should just have applied straight away and got on with it, like everybody else. I could be starting my PhD soon. I really don’t know anymore why I didn’t.
Of course I haven’t actually sat at home all this time and done nothing. I think my head would have imploded by now if I had. I spent a few weeks here, catching up on projects I had to put on hold during exam time, then I went on the annual family holiday and now I got back to London only a week ago. In two days time, the Mister and I are going travelling again but to be honest, I am currently less than excited. I’d trade that little holiday for a PhD and a plan in my life immediately, if I had the chance. I’m such a simple girl in many ways. All I want is some stability, a nice place to live for us, enough money to get by and a plan for the next few years. That really shouldn’t be so hard to get and I even technically know how to get it but deciding is scary and living with the uncertainty is even worse. I find myself paralyzed. I know what I should do next but I procrastinate heavily about it. I put it off, push it back and get more and more scared about writing a few silly emails. It’s so frustrating. Out of sheer panic, I don’t do anything which just feeds into this feeling of being being lost. I never thought this would be so difficult. I just want to hide from the world and at the same time, hiding makes me feel scared too. I keep telling myself I’m a big girl, I should just get on with it. I should be old enough to take responsibility for myself and go my way but inside, I feel so small.
I’m aware that this is a luxury problem. How many dream of having months just to themselves, to use their time as they please? I’m aware I’m being ridiculous. In comparison to many people, I don’t have any problems at all. I should just get over it, get on with it and sort myself out. Knowing how stupid I’m being is just making me feel worse. I’m sorry for ranting at you.