Wednesday, 12 September 2012

Three months on

tree

So, it’s the beginning of September. I finished my last exam a little over three month ago and I’m still “not doing anything”. To be honest, it’s beginning to get to me even though I chose this. I’m getting restless and I’m struggling with the lack of direction in my life. It’s probably not helping that the Mister has recently thrown his plans to the winds as well, so we are both home most days, struggling with finding our way. I keep thinking that this was all a huge mistake and I should just have applied straight away and got on with it, like everybody else. I could be starting my PhD soon. I really don’t know anymore why I didn’t.

Of course I haven’t actually sat at home all this time and done nothing. I think my head would have imploded by now if I had. I spent a few weeks here, catching up on projects I had to put on hold during exam time, then I went on the annual family holiday and now I got back to London only a week ago. In two days time, the Mister and I are going travelling again but to be honest, I am currently less than excited. I’d trade that little holiday for a PhD and a plan in my life immediately, if I had the chance. I’m such a simple girl in many ways. All I want is some stability, a nice place to live for us, enough money to get by and a plan for the next few years. That really shouldn’t be so hard to get and I even technically know how to get it but deciding is scary and living with the uncertainty is even worse. I find myself paralyzed. I know what I should do next but I procrastinate heavily about it. I put it off, push it back and get more and more scared about writing a few silly emails. It’s so frustrating. Out of sheer panic, I don’t do anything which just feeds into this feeling of being being lost. I never thought this would be so difficult. I just want to hide from the world and at the same time, hiding makes me feel scared too. I keep telling myself I’m a big girl, I should just get on with it. I should be old enough to take responsibility for myself and go my way but inside, I feel so small.

I’m aware that this is a luxury problem. How many dream of having months just to themselves, to use their time as they please? I’m aware I’m being ridiculous. In comparison to many people, I don’t have any problems at all. I should just get over it, get on with it and sort myself out. Knowing how stupid I’m being is just making me feel worse. I’m sorry for ranting at you.

4 comments:

  1. It's a really understandable feeling, and very similar to the way I felt after finishing my Masters and before starting my PhD. My advice (not that you asked for it!) is to force yourself to relish this time. If you do start a PhD, you'll have little/no guilt-free free time for years, especially not for something like travelling. The roadtrip I took prior to starting my PhD was terrifying, and seemingly so unnecessary and unstable, but it was a good plan, as I no have no excuse but to buckle down and work hard for the next 3/4 years!

    Rant away - you're aware you're in a privileged position, but it doesn't make your frustration any less real!

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  2. That was exactly how I felt when I was finished with my Master and before I started my PhD. You know you should really enjoy this time off because it will be harder to take so much time for relaxing later on. But after some time you miss the structure of your days and a direction in which to go.

    Maybe making a schedule for everyday life works for you? SOmething like "get up at 9am, shower before 10am", "write 1-2 emails between 10am and 11am", "sew something between 11 am and 1pm"?

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  3. Hey, ich war Anfang des Jahres drei Monate zu Hause. Mit Nebenjob und Plan, was ich tun will (nicht getan, btw.). Aber ich habe mich genau so gefühlt wie du.
    Nur, falls dir das hilft. Ich glaube, dass es normal ist, sich so zu fühlen, wenn man keine Struktur hat und keine Stabilität.

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  4. I am not as far in my education as you are but I kind of understand how you feel. I push every single task I have to do for Uni as far away as possible because of sheer panic to move on. I love my subjects but still I sometimes wish time would just stand still for a few years but at the same time I am thinking "wtf are you doing with your time?"
    I hope you and your boyfriend find your ways :)

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