One of the prompts for my course at the moment is to write a letter to your 16 (23, 31 whatever is younger and appropriate) self and I have been thinking about this for a while. Here is the truth: I don't have anything to say to my younger self. No words of wisdom, no good advice, no “be strong, it will all get better” which seems to pop up so frequently in other peoples letters. Quite the opposite, I think I liked myself better at 16. I might be glorifying things in hindsight and I know I had my problems at sixteen but I don't remember been so painfully awkward around people. I don't remember hiding in the corner at parties because it all gets too noisy too quickly. I don't remember feeling so afloat and without direction. I don't remember feeling like I have missed so many things already (and damn it, I'm only 22. There really should be everything out there still but it doesn't feel like it). There are many things I definitely had at 16 which seem to have gone missing somewhere along the way. One of the things I was always confident about is my own smartness. These days I feel incredibly stupid most of the time and I also feel like people don't take me serious more often than I'd like them too. But then, I have developed a habit of over-analysing conversations which might be the reason for this. A simple question like “What sort of music do you like?” will throw me into a panic. Clearly I care even more what people think than I used to, and that's saying something.
I used to have a sense of adventure, whether it came to travel, new projects or dangerous sports. At the moment, a trip across town feels adventurous and I'd rather just hide in my room most days. My room is safe. I used to always juggle several projects at a time but right now, I feel like keeping two balls in the air seems like a lot of effort. Somewhere along the lines I lost my drive. Yesterday I spent thirty minutes motivating myself to finally put the last three seams on a dress I should have finished months ago ( Little sister, it's done. You are going to get it at Easter :) ) Where is that feeling gone that I'd actually look forward to having some time for crafting?
Somewhere over the last two years, mood swings have crept into my life. I can go from happy to almost in tears in about five minutes flat for no apparent reason. This morning, my phone refused to show me the video I was trying to watch and I was so close to throwing it at a wall (I didn't, just in case you wondered). Weren't mood swings and temper tantrums meant to be a teenage thing?
The only thing where I really think I could teach my younger self a thing or two about is the whole boy-girl game. I definitely didn't have THAT figured out 6 years ago.Not that I perfectly do now, but it's an improvement over what it used to be.
So it looks like I have something to say after all:
Dear 16-year old self,
I wish I was more like you were. Also, boys are fun, just remember to look at things between you in the best possible light at all times.
Your 22-year old self
This is probably the most personal thing I have ever written outside my journal and I'm scared crazy about putting it out there, especially because it is so whiny. I apologize for that but I wanted to be adventurous, right? This seems like a point to start.